After American Psychiatric AssociationEvery third people experiences persistent loneliness. Other Surveys Show that almost 60% state that you feel lonely at least for some time. At work, Surveys Show eight out of ten employees feel isolated and separated.
It is known that lonely violates our health and performance. People who experience loneliness are less likely to work efficiently and fight mentally and emotionally to stay present. You are too Three times more likely Have low job satisfaction and much more likely to psychological and physical health problems. These effects have been spread so widely that the US surgeon General of the US surgeon in 2023 explained Loneliness an “epidemic”.
The result was an explosion of books, white papers and advice to reduce loneliness, all of which with a well -made chorus: “connect more”. The result is that we have shifted the burden on the individual to solve their own loneliness by encouraging them to get involved again with others, to complain or to get involved in their communities.
In jobs, this council has led to more meetings and increased use of technological platforms that promise the community. One report showed that since 2020 the time that spent time in the meetings has tripled. The daily use of the Business Messaging App Slack Slack increased From 12 to 32 million in just a few years, the average adult now sends 30 to 40 messages to colleagues a day.
We are more connected, but we are more and more lonely. What did we miss?
It is not a “loneliness”, it is the feeling that they don’t play a role
We can have frequent interactions and still feel lonely. Research Performed by psychologist Alexander Danvers shows that the amount of connections does not make you feelings of loneliness that Quality does. That is probably one of them study showed that the participants’ feelings of loneliness increased with their meeting burden.
So what is a high quality interaction? A defining function is experiencing what psychologists call Accompanied loveAt the receiving end of behaviors such as attention, respect, confirmation and compassion. In a study with 750 working groups, the only variable was that loneliness and increased performance significantly reduced whether employees experienced an accompanying love of colleagues or managers.
In other words, the opposite of loneliness is to no longer have people near them, but to be important, really saw, hear and appreciate them for the people around them. Loneliness is not due to a lack of social contact. It is a result of a lack of perceived social value to others.
For example, a connection from me recently moved to another country. When I asked what it was like, she said: “I actually feel welcome everywhere and involved in conversations. I found a lot of new friends, but I just feel invisible how nobody really sees or knows me.”
We all had the unpleasant feeling of sitting in a room full of people, maybe even friends, and realizing that nobody really sees or knows us.
This feeling of being insignificant to others has a name. psychologist Gordon Flett calls it Anti-matterThe feeling that they are not seen, unknown or not rated by their fellow human beings. The opposite of anti-matter is the experience of matter–Feel important for the people around them who arise from the feeling of value and know how they create added value.
Surveys show almost 42% of people feel “Exuberant”, 30% feel “invisibleAt work, 39% say You have no one at work that takes care of you as a person and more than half of the respondents in one Opinion poll said nobody knows her well.
We are not faced with a “loneliness epidemic”. We are standing in front of one Matters deficit. Too many of us feel overlooked, ignored and unhindered in our daily interactions.
And that’s actually good news. It means that we are all partially responsible for the solution for loneliness and starts how we appear in our next interaction.
The way forward: create more moments of matter
Take a moment and think about it when you feel the most feel that you are important to others.
If you are like the many people we interviewed and interviewed, do not think about receiving an increase in salary, an employee of the month or a gift from a friend. They probably think about small cases when someone offered them compassion and support, have taken the time to really listen to them, to remind them of their strengths or talents or to tell them how much they mean for them.
Matter happens in moments. In research for my book The power of matterI discovered three defining features of interactions in which we believe that we feel important: noticed (seen and heard), confirmed (to have shown how our unique gifts make a difference) and feel necessary (know that someone is dependent on us).
If we want to start reducing loneliness, they start to notify it and show people how they are needed in their daily interactions. So you start.
Be a notic. It is an interest in the details, ebbs and rivers of the life of another and shows them that they remember them. The remarkable remark begins with the recognition of people. Slow and learn the name of your supplier. Make eye contact and tell the hundreds of workers who enable everyday life – from depot banks and baristas to construction workers and teachers. When a colleague is sick, plan time to check how he is doing and offer support.
If you meet and get in touch with people, ask deeper questions than “How are you?” or “How are you?” And try clear, open, open and explorative questions such as “What does your attention have today?” to be placed? “What was most meaningful to you today?” Or “What are you fighting and how can I help?” Make sure you look at what you notice about people.
Confirm people. The confirmation shows people how their uniqueness makes a unique difference. It is different from general appreciation or recognition. Start saying better “thank you” by going one step further to name the unique gifts of the person and telling you exactly how you make a difference for you. Everyone gives us four gifts every day: their strengths, their purpose, their perspective and their wisdom. People who show people how they are important illuminate what they do not see.
Remind people that they are needed. Think of someone you rely on in your life or work. When was the last time you told you? Try to say: “If it weren’t for you …” and show them how to give and observe your life or work and watch what happens. You will see the power of matter.
There is an additional advantage to show people how they are important in this way: they begin to see how it is important to them. It is a boomerang effect that is known as a “complementary principle” in relationships. The more we start to notice, confirm and show others how they are needed, the more they will do it for us.
And so we will tackle loneliness – one moment of matter after the other.
Zach Mercurio is a professor, researcher and author of The power of matter: how managers can make a culture of importance (Harvard Business Review Press).
