I left the engagement ring. Memorial of my husband’s late father. Every note, card, letter and sensual object I have ever had. It is strange and arbitrary to choose a small thing in a lifetime of memory – to determine which memory is more important than others. So, nothing makes more sense.
As we drove away, an electric red vein ran out of the entire hillside. Our canyon is dazzling.
I stayed up all night at my friend’s house, refreshing Google Map, which shows the attacks on the streets. Every time a new home burns, every time it is refreshed. All night, in what looked like a miracle, our streets never turned red on the map. We are spared.
But then I heard from my neighbor next door: their home was burned to the ground.
My husband can’t live in uncertainty. Even though I begged him not to do so, he jumped into the car and returned to Altadena. He must see it with his own eyes. The falling power cord is everywhere. As he drove to our street, a small fire broke out in front of his car. Then I got a call and it would change my life forever.
“Everything is gone.” He sobbed.
“No, no, no, no,” I said. “No, no, no.”
What does it mean to have nothing left? Where is my baby’s crib? Where is his clothes? Oh my god, my engagement ring. Where do I live? Where do I cook? Oh my god, my Dutch oven. What’s next? Who am I now, I have nothing?
However, although disasters and chaos ensues, human needs and needs will not disappear. As proved that morning, I was still intoxicated by the smell of good soup. That’s me, that’s who I will always be.
Whether it is destroyed or not, a girl must eat it. So, this question lingers on me: Will I deprive myself of my food when I eat my first meal at this huge loss moment? Five hours ago, I wouldn’t have done that. Why restrain your own fun when so many things are taken away? It is a strange duality to hold all the duality immediately: happy taste buds, heartbroken.
I was never a person who tended to deprive myself of worldly pleasures: my entire life and work were built around finding joy through food. The diet leaves me some time a few times a day and the soup of Nora will always be there to remind me of this. Joy prevails.
