Every parent knows how to face tantrums, collapses and emotional outbursts. They can make everyday life feel impossible.
But after many years Research on more than 200 parent-child relationships (From practicing healthy habits with my own kids), I found that parents who are really good at tantrums use languages of soothing, validation and guidance. They try to avoid Punishment or timeoutand they know that tantrums are a sign of a nervous system’s death.
Here are seven calming and powerful phrases that are emotionally used by parents to connect, make the child feel safe and ultimately help prevent collapse.
1. ‘You have a big feeling. I’m with you.
Instead: “Stop crying now!”
The phrase can do nothing: it takes the child in the moment and lets them borrow your calm. It tells their nervous system that they don’t have to deal with their feelings alone and that you are not afraid of your emotions.
When children are supported through big emotions, they will travel through them faster and learn that they don’t need to upgrade to get your attention.
2. “I trust you.”
Instead: “You’re dramatic. Not bad.”
Kids often get answers like “You’re good” or “It’s no big deal!” However, parents who say “I believe in you” have given their children a bigger function: verification.
Verification enhances the child’s Internal compass And strengthen trust. Children who think they calm down faster because they don’t have to fight for understanding. This sense of trust can help them adjust faster.
3. “Your feelings make a lot of sense.”
Instead: “There is no reason to be frustrated by this.”
Even if the situation doesn’t seem like a big deal to us, it’s understandable that children need to know their reactions. This phrase helps them organize and process their feelings rather than pushing them down or pushing them out.
When children know that they feel normal, they stop fighting them and can travel through them more naturally.
4. ‘I’m not unhappy with you. I’m here to help you.
Instead: “You are so frustrating!”
Parents often think they need to show anger to prove a little. But in reality, reassurance guarantees disable the child’s combat or flight response more effectively than punishment.
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When children are not threatened by anger, they can focus on calming rather than defending themselves.
5. ‘You can be angry. I won’t let you hurt yourself or anyone else.
Instead: “What’s wrong with you? Stop hitting or else!”
This sentence models boundaries with compassion. It conveys the message that all emotions are valid, but some actions are not.
To lose your temper, your goal should be to set limits without humiliation. Children who are not ashamed of feeling learn to express them in healthier ways, reducing the intensity and frequency of the outbreak.
6. I won’t go anywhere.
Instead: “Calm down now!”
Many tantrums are brought about by panic (for example, panic or safety panic may be withdrawn). This simple phrase reduces anxiety and creates conditions that children need to regulate.
When children don’t rush through their emotions, they naturally return to calm faster than when they are forced to “overcome it.”
7. “We will solve this problem together.”
Instead: “You need to figure it out yourself.”
Ultimately, what every child wants to know is: “Are you still with me even now?” The phrase reminds them that they are not alone, and that their value and perfect behavior are not over.
Children who feel supportive during difficult times are confident in their ability to meet challenges, thus reducing the likelihood of future collapse.
The secret to dealing with tantrums? From control to connection
What makes these phrases so powerful is the shift in mindset they represent. Rather than treating children’s big emotions as things to stop, consider them as things to witness. Instead of trying to control your feelings, you help them feel safe enough to handle them.
Of course, these phrases won’t stop every crash on its track. But they plant the seeds of growing up into beauty: a child who trusts his feelings, knows he deserves support, and believes that when life is difficult, love will not disappear.
Reem Raouda Is the voice of leadership in conscious parenting and the creator of two transformative journals – Basea step-by-step recovery guide, transforming overwhelmed parents into emotionally safe parents, and boundaryestablish lifelong trust and strengthen the connection diary of parent-child bonds. She is widely recognized for her expertise in children’s emotional safety and for redefining what it means to raise an emotionally healthy child. Follow her Instagram.
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